emotions

It’s Scarier than It Looks

Talking about adoption, MY adoption publicly is bringing up so many fears. I thought I was done with worrying about what other people would think about me.

Instead, a whole new barrel of things to worry about arrived as soon as I hit publish and people started reading what I had to say.

Part of what I’m here to learn in this lifetime is to tell my story and speak my truth so that it can help me (and others, hopefully) heal. Astrologers and palmists and tarot readers and psychics have been telling me this for as long as I can remember.

Here I am. Speaking my story and running head-long into fears. So be it. What am I afraid of? Hurting someone. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want to offend my new-found biological family.  I don’t want people to think that I’m unhappy with the way my life turned out, or that I wish it were any other way.

Adoptees as a group tend to be overly sensitive. We learned to read the room before we could verbalize because it was intrinsic to our survival. As infants, our amygdalas were running the show and everyone and everything in the world were either there to help us or harm us.

I’m always second-guessing how someone may feel or react to me and what I do or say. Sometimes it’s under the surface and sometimes you can’t help but notice. Rarely is it not present. Basically, it’s a constant battle to remain indifferent and to hope you like me.  (I’m an enigma, what can I say.)

My parents are loving, kind and generous. I can honestly say that from the time they became parents they also became selfless. Maybe they were that way before we three arrived, but I can’t think of a single memory where they didn’t put the best interests of myself, my brother and my sister first. They still put us first, even when we encourage them to put themselves first! (don’t get me wrong – we tried their patience and pushed them just like every kid does, but at the end of the day, they’re always thinking of us – no difference between how they treated the adopted kids and the biological kid either.)

Not everyone can say this about their parents, but I can and I’m proud of that.

No matter what adverse feelings I have about the institution of adoption – especially closed adoption -are not indicative of my unhappiness with the family I was given.

As a spiritual seeker, I know that I arrived in the world at the perfect time and that I chose the family that raised me for the growth and expansion of our lives and hearts. Not everyone can say that about their families, adopted or not. It’s easier for me because my life was “good” and although I know I suffered trauma and wounding as a result of being adopted I also know that my healing was possible because I started from a healthy and loving platform.

My biological family is largely a mystery still. Yet they feel like a part of me. The fragile part of a new relationship needs space and trust to grow. It may be a long while before I get into details about the ins and outs of my reunion with my many half-siblings, uncles, aunts on my mother’s side. It will be even longer before I delve into the not-yet-established relationship with my biological father and his family.

So. It’s scary. I’m going to work through it with tenderness and joy. It may not always be graceful or comfortable, but I promise it will be my truth.

 

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